The Dark Side of The Light
I am in the process of writing my book. From time to time I will put a chapter or part of a chapter on this page. I am hopeful and encourage you to read it. This is my first book I have written , so please feel free to leave your comments, good or construtively critical.
Thanks for taking the time to read it. - Randy
PREFACE
Childhood abuse is a wide spread epidemic that not only spreads across the United States, it also reaches into the deepest jungles and the safest sanctuaries in the world. One in six boys and one in four girls will be sexually abused before the age of eighteen. Male childhood and adolescence abuse, especially sexual abuse seems to be absolutely taboo to talk about. Sexual abuse is to often being swept under the rug. Sexual abuse is not to be talked about in fear of destroying the family. What about the boys life’s we are destroying? After all we boys are just MEN in training. God forbid if we were to have feelings, much less tell some one about them. God forbid we be allowed to share these feelings without being ridiculed, belittled or shamed.
I am a male survivor of sexual, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual abuse that happened not once, but continued over a period of five years. I am writing this book in the hope that you will be able to come to an understanding of what it is we feel and carry around inside of us from an actual survivors story. The effects of child abuse, rather it is sexual, emotional, mental, physical or spiritual abuse is far greater than you could ever imagine. The scars far deeper than you could ever comprehend unless you have experienced them.
My hope is that after you have read this book you will have a better understanding of why we feel and act the way we do. Hopefully it will help you to be more compassionate and understanding towards those that have suffered abuse and are in the healing process. The abuse effects not only the survivor, but those around him, his wife, children, co-workers, family and friends. His behavior can be baffling. Happy, positive, outgoing and fun. Then on the drop of a dime for no apparent reason, he changes to angry, and rageful. Becomes full of self-pity and falls into an extreme feeling of worthlessness. For some of us we are very successful in all aspects of our life. Conversely our self-esteem and self worth is virtually just a mirage. We are ego maniacs with inferiority complexes. For myself and many others, it has been a life long struggle. Even though we are in a healing stage of our life, it can still be a daily battle to love ourselves.
1
“WHO AM I?”
*******************
My name is Randy Boyd. I am a 53 year old white American man. I have been married for 28 years to an Angel, Cathy. I am a father of three children, two sons, Danny 30 years old and Garrett 25 years old and one daughter, Allyssa 21 years old. I am also a grandfather to a beautiful grand daughter, Emmersyn Diana. I’m a kind, loving and gentle husband, father & grandfather.
I am a successful business man in the construction industry, a trade I have done all my life. I am the average upper middle class American living the “American Dream”. I live in a nice yet moderate home, the one my children were raised in. Two cars, a toy hauler, dirt bike and boat. I live a simple life. On the outside looking in, I have it all, Everything seems perfect and today for the most part it is. I am also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. As of this writing I have just over four years sober and today if there really is such a thing as perfect, my life is just that, perfect, just as it should be.
I am an avid outdoors man who loves to hunt, fish, hike, ride bikes and water ski. I love to lay on the beach in the warm sun with the mesmerizing sound of the surf and the wind . I like to lay in a alpine meadow watching the puffy white clouds dance across the powder blue sky. Take in the scent of pine trees and fresh high country flowers in the air. Listen to the wind whispering through the tall pines. Feel the sun warming my face. Listening to the sound of a mountain stream as it makes its way to its final resting spot in the serene calmness of a lake or the ocean. I consider myself free spirited.
All of these “things” define “what” I am and “what” I have, not “who” I am. I believed that what I had, how much money I had, who my friends were, the clothes I wore and type of car I drove defined who I was. I am a product of the believes my parents wanted me to believe in. I was given my name. I was told what religion/God to believe in. I was told what school to go to. Told what language to speak, how to feel and how not to feel. I was told who I was suppose to be by my parents. I was told when to cry and when not to cry. I had no choice in the matter. I based my self worth on what the world thought of me. I ignored all my deepest intuitions to do the opposite of what I was doing. I did it all in the name of looking good to you. In most cases I knew I was doing wrong or what I was doing was unethical and immoral. To me it did not matter. I did not have enough self esteem and love for myself to stop. It was all about being accepted, right or wrong, if you liked me, I was okay with what I did. Understand, I am perfectly content in my life today. I have worked hard since I was fifteen years old for all I have and I am proud of the man I am becoming today. That was not always the case.
I’m also a survivor and a healing man of childhood abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I am on the path of personal recovery and becoming the man I am suppose to be in my higher powers eyes. Not yours and not mine, Gods eyes. It has been a wonderful journey and I would not trade a day of my life for anything other than what I have experienced and learned.
2
So, who am I? Hopefully you and I will discover this together between the covers of this book. You see who I am in my eyes is my story. Who I am in my wifes eyes is her story. Who I am in my children’s eyes is their story. Who I might be in your eyes is your story. As I travel this path of self discovery, I am hopeful that I will find my authentic self. Therefore no matter who you are, I will be no different to any of you.
Who am I only matters to me today. Far to many years I was who I thought you wanted me to be. If I am true to myself, then I will truly love myself and respect myself, therefore you will truly love and respect me. If you don’t, you do not know what you are missing.
Who am I is still a mystery to me. I am a thirteen year old boy in a 53 year old mans body and life. I say it is still a mystery because for forty of my fifty three years I lived my life for who I thought I was suppose to be. I lived my for who the world and society said I was suppose to be. For thirty seven years I was either under the influence of some chemical. Alcohol or some other mind altering substance. I was nursing a hangover or had so much of it in my system, I was still under it’s influence in the way I behaved. I have been clean and sober now for just over four years. As Chuck C. said, “I see the world through a new pair of glasses”. While it is very exciting, it is also very scary and different at times. Seeing things for what they are, not what I perceive them to be. My clarity of mind and thought is scary at times. My intuition is very accurate and my connection with God, the God of my understanding, is one of a magnitude that is unexplainable.
Who am I? Well I am still evolving, still changing, and still learning. There are days I feel completely crazy and insane. This is based mostly on how calm, peaceful and serene I can be in the midst of what appears to be a tornado all around me. What use to send me into fits of rage and fear, is no big deal to me today. It is what it is. It will pass and when it is over, well life just keeps going on. Not good or bad. Not right or wrong. Life just is as it is suppose to be. For some of you these feelings might seem like, “what’s the big deal?”, that is how life is suppose to be. In fact for you it might be how life has always been for you, to you I say you have a lot to be grateful for. It is better to live life than fight it and this is a lesson that I am just now learning at the ripe young age of fifty three. What is it the song says, “ I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now”.
For others, and I am sure there are lots of others who can absolutely relate to what I am saying. While we never really know exactly how someone else is feeling, I am sure that there are plenty of you reading this that will have much of the same feelings I am talking about and will continue to talk about in the chapters ahead.
3
This I am sure of because of all the men I have talked with that are courageous enough to walk this path, have all expressed much of the same feelings. You see while I use to think I was living life, and I was definitely living it up, it was more a fight for survival that was taking it’s toll on me.
As much as I was feeling as though I was winning the battle, it was slowly beating me into the ground and I did not realize it. Today I have seized fighting everyone and everything and life is a whole lot easier to live. Today I am much more patient and tolerant of life, people, places and things. More importantly, for the first time in forty years I am teachable, open minded and willing.
So who am I? Well that still remains a mystery that unfolds and evolves daily. Then again, maybe I’m looking right back at myself in the mirror and just can not recognize myself.
Thanks for taking the time to read it. - Randy
PREFACE
Childhood abuse is a wide spread epidemic that not only spreads across the United States, it also reaches into the deepest jungles and the safest sanctuaries in the world. One in six boys and one in four girls will be sexually abused before the age of eighteen. Male childhood and adolescence abuse, especially sexual abuse seems to be absolutely taboo to talk about. Sexual abuse is to often being swept under the rug. Sexual abuse is not to be talked about in fear of destroying the family. What about the boys life’s we are destroying? After all we boys are just MEN in training. God forbid if we were to have feelings, much less tell some one about them. God forbid we be allowed to share these feelings without being ridiculed, belittled or shamed.
I am a male survivor of sexual, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual abuse that happened not once, but continued over a period of five years. I am writing this book in the hope that you will be able to come to an understanding of what it is we feel and carry around inside of us from an actual survivors story. The effects of child abuse, rather it is sexual, emotional, mental, physical or spiritual abuse is far greater than you could ever imagine. The scars far deeper than you could ever comprehend unless you have experienced them.
My hope is that after you have read this book you will have a better understanding of why we feel and act the way we do. Hopefully it will help you to be more compassionate and understanding towards those that have suffered abuse and are in the healing process. The abuse effects not only the survivor, but those around him, his wife, children, co-workers, family and friends. His behavior can be baffling. Happy, positive, outgoing and fun. Then on the drop of a dime for no apparent reason, he changes to angry, and rageful. Becomes full of self-pity and falls into an extreme feeling of worthlessness. For some of us we are very successful in all aspects of our life. Conversely our self-esteem and self worth is virtually just a mirage. We are ego maniacs with inferiority complexes. For myself and many others, it has been a life long struggle. Even though we are in a healing stage of our life, it can still be a daily battle to love ourselves.
1
“WHO AM I?”
*******************
My name is Randy Boyd. I am a 53 year old white American man. I have been married for 28 years to an Angel, Cathy. I am a father of three children, two sons, Danny 30 years old and Garrett 25 years old and one daughter, Allyssa 21 years old. I am also a grandfather to a beautiful grand daughter, Emmersyn Diana. I’m a kind, loving and gentle husband, father & grandfather.
I am a successful business man in the construction industry, a trade I have done all my life. I am the average upper middle class American living the “American Dream”. I live in a nice yet moderate home, the one my children were raised in. Two cars, a toy hauler, dirt bike and boat. I live a simple life. On the outside looking in, I have it all, Everything seems perfect and today for the most part it is. I am also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. As of this writing I have just over four years sober and today if there really is such a thing as perfect, my life is just that, perfect, just as it should be.
I am an avid outdoors man who loves to hunt, fish, hike, ride bikes and water ski. I love to lay on the beach in the warm sun with the mesmerizing sound of the surf and the wind . I like to lay in a alpine meadow watching the puffy white clouds dance across the powder blue sky. Take in the scent of pine trees and fresh high country flowers in the air. Listen to the wind whispering through the tall pines. Feel the sun warming my face. Listening to the sound of a mountain stream as it makes its way to its final resting spot in the serene calmness of a lake or the ocean. I consider myself free spirited.
All of these “things” define “what” I am and “what” I have, not “who” I am. I believed that what I had, how much money I had, who my friends were, the clothes I wore and type of car I drove defined who I was. I am a product of the believes my parents wanted me to believe in. I was given my name. I was told what religion/God to believe in. I was told what school to go to. Told what language to speak, how to feel and how not to feel. I was told who I was suppose to be by my parents. I was told when to cry and when not to cry. I had no choice in the matter. I based my self worth on what the world thought of me. I ignored all my deepest intuitions to do the opposite of what I was doing. I did it all in the name of looking good to you. In most cases I knew I was doing wrong or what I was doing was unethical and immoral. To me it did not matter. I did not have enough self esteem and love for myself to stop. It was all about being accepted, right or wrong, if you liked me, I was okay with what I did. Understand, I am perfectly content in my life today. I have worked hard since I was fifteen years old for all I have and I am proud of the man I am becoming today. That was not always the case.
I’m also a survivor and a healing man of childhood abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I am on the path of personal recovery and becoming the man I am suppose to be in my higher powers eyes. Not yours and not mine, Gods eyes. It has been a wonderful journey and I would not trade a day of my life for anything other than what I have experienced and learned.
2
So, who am I? Hopefully you and I will discover this together between the covers of this book. You see who I am in my eyes is my story. Who I am in my wifes eyes is her story. Who I am in my children’s eyes is their story. Who I might be in your eyes is your story. As I travel this path of self discovery, I am hopeful that I will find my authentic self. Therefore no matter who you are, I will be no different to any of you.
Who am I only matters to me today. Far to many years I was who I thought you wanted me to be. If I am true to myself, then I will truly love myself and respect myself, therefore you will truly love and respect me. If you don’t, you do not know what you are missing.
Who am I is still a mystery to me. I am a thirteen year old boy in a 53 year old mans body and life. I say it is still a mystery because for forty of my fifty three years I lived my life for who I thought I was suppose to be. I lived my for who the world and society said I was suppose to be. For thirty seven years I was either under the influence of some chemical. Alcohol or some other mind altering substance. I was nursing a hangover or had so much of it in my system, I was still under it’s influence in the way I behaved. I have been clean and sober now for just over four years. As Chuck C. said, “I see the world through a new pair of glasses”. While it is very exciting, it is also very scary and different at times. Seeing things for what they are, not what I perceive them to be. My clarity of mind and thought is scary at times. My intuition is very accurate and my connection with God, the God of my understanding, is one of a magnitude that is unexplainable.
Who am I? Well I am still evolving, still changing, and still learning. There are days I feel completely crazy and insane. This is based mostly on how calm, peaceful and serene I can be in the midst of what appears to be a tornado all around me. What use to send me into fits of rage and fear, is no big deal to me today. It is what it is. It will pass and when it is over, well life just keeps going on. Not good or bad. Not right or wrong. Life just is as it is suppose to be. For some of you these feelings might seem like, “what’s the big deal?”, that is how life is suppose to be. In fact for you it might be how life has always been for you, to you I say you have a lot to be grateful for. It is better to live life than fight it and this is a lesson that I am just now learning at the ripe young age of fifty three. What is it the song says, “ I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now”.
For others, and I am sure there are lots of others who can absolutely relate to what I am saying. While we never really know exactly how someone else is feeling, I am sure that there are plenty of you reading this that will have much of the same feelings I am talking about and will continue to talk about in the chapters ahead.
3
This I am sure of because of all the men I have talked with that are courageous enough to walk this path, have all expressed much of the same feelings. You see while I use to think I was living life, and I was definitely living it up, it was more a fight for survival that was taking it’s toll on me.
As much as I was feeling as though I was winning the battle, it was slowly beating me into the ground and I did not realize it. Today I have seized fighting everyone and everything and life is a whole lot easier to live. Today I am much more patient and tolerant of life, people, places and things. More importantly, for the first time in forty years I am teachable, open minded and willing.
So who am I? Well that still remains a mystery that unfolds and evolves daily. Then again, maybe I’m looking right back at myself in the mirror and just can not recognize myself.
