AS usual, it has been a while since I have posted a new blog. Life is always full of surprises and just when when you think, or should I say your life appears to be resembling something that resembles normalcy, it will throw another curve ball at you. Eight weeks ago I was on a long range fishing trip. AS I had been doing for the previous day and a half, I lost my balance. The difference was this time, I snapped my knee, ouch!. I have been sober now four and a half years and this was going to be the first year in that time that I was not going to be having a major surgery. My wife just commented on how it has been a year and half and no surgeries. Remember that word "was" in the previous sentence, well the snapped knee resulted in a full knee replacement. That surgery took place October 4, 2010 and today I am, according to my doctor, a month ahead of scedule.  Once again my life as I thought it should be going was put on hold. I was out of the gym for six weeks. I was unable to drive for a month and worse of all, my hunting season and trips I had planned came to an end. It is also the beginning of riding season that I was looking so forward to. AS I said, my life as I had it planned and thought it should be, has been diverted in a different direction. I am not particularly happy about this diversion, however I am coming to the full acceptance of it and I know I'll be okay.

The other big piece of my puzzle that is baffling me, is my business. I am truly at a point of a major decision. For the past two years I have been listening to the optimist in my life and staying steadfast in believing, or trying to believe, that it will get better. Well it is not getting better and according the economic forecast, the next eighteen months is only suppose to get worse. While some businesses are doing very well, the construction industry is severely suffering. I am not being "PESSIMISTIC" as some accuse me of being, I am being real. This business, as has been pointed out to me is my identity and I can totally relate to that, it has been and continues to be. I have finally been successful in life.  I have proved to those voices in my head from the past that I can do good and be successful. The thing is, the people in my life today, my wife, brothers & sisters in recovery and people that know me intimately, love me because of who I am, not what I can do, have accomplished, or acquired in my life. They love me for me, who I am and what I stand for today. Honesty, love, integrity, compassion, understanding and the way I am helping those in recovery that have suffered the same things I have suffered in life and recovered from. The hope I give not only my family, but also the ones that have given up on life and have no hope.

It's interesting, I have not thought about my father for a while, that is until last night. My aunt called to let me know she had seen a commercial of a guy coming home to his family at Christmas. He had a bow on his head and when his sister saw him, he told her he was her Christmas gift. This made my aunt sad enough to call me and let me know that after 41 years, she still missed her brother and my father.This was out of character for my aunt. I made think about my father and how much I miss him. How much I wish he was alive to talk with about life and what I'm going through in business and as a person. I have never had his guidance and wisdom to lean on as he passed away when I was 12 years old. It makes me feel all alone at times. My friends tell me all the time that I am not alone. I have a family of friends to help me and believe in me, most importantly, I have GOD. While all this is true, and I am never all alone, it is these times that I really miss my father. It would be nice to have my fathers approval and support in what ever decision I was to make. I have done thus far in my life on my own, made some good decision and some bad decisions. It seems like it has been a pretty good balance and none of my decisions have led to failure of any kind, my biggest fear. However I will say that I have lived a life of fear fueled by self will. Most of my decisions in life have been made under the guidance of alcohol with absolutely no regard for my family, it was all about me.

You see today, I am faced with what seems like a insurmountable task. One that I feel is a major turning point in my life. Do I walk from what I have been doing all my life for my occupation and hold to what cash the business has to survive, selling all my equipment for pennies on the dollar?.Or do I just down size, go ahead and go to school full time seeking a psychology degree and pursuing my passion of bringing the awareness of sexual abuse into the light of the world? Today the big difference is I am sober, I am not making snapped decision with f_ _ _  it attitude. Its not all about me, I have to think about the others in my life that it might effect.

What I do know is that I am very confused, or should I say uncertain. It appears it is a lack of faith on my part. There has been moments that I have had this stong inner voice tell me to shut it down and move on in life following my passion. Then along comes a couple of jobs, at which point game on again. Is that inner voice I am hearing to shut down the business the voice  should be listening to? Are these jobs that come along at precisely the time of these other messages a test of my faith or are they Gods way of saying, not yet? One of my biggest character deffects has benn to make the wrong decision. If I give up, will work pick up just around the corner? Or if I hold on waiting for it to turn around and it does not. and I have gone through all my cash, then damn, I will certainly beat myself up then. Su o you see how I can confuse myself. 

The borttom line is this, I have three choices: 1.) close the offiice down and work out of the house which will relieve some of the minimal overhead I have. 2.) Shut the business down completely and sell all my equipment for pennies on the dollar. 3.) Become a full time student and follow my passion of recovery and helping young boys and men that have been sexually abused? 

What I know is, God has brought me this far. He has shown me that I can be very succesful in life and that i am a very worthwile and capable human being. God has brought me through two out of body/near death expereinces. God has not brought me this far to drop me on my head, I just have to get more attuned to God, improve my concious contact with God and listen, the answers will come. I will say it out loud, this is an answer I need a real clear answer on. Thi sdecesion will effect no only me, my family as well. God is or God is not, and for me God is. I just have to continue to believe.

I know this blog has been a bit all over the place. I wil say that I have not written it all in one sitting. It has been written over a couple of weeks and for this I am sorry. My intent, as my wife reminded it should be done, is to blogf on a daily basis or at least a weeklt basis. So I am going to work on the daily basis startin g this week.

If any of you reading this go through any of theses thought process/mind battles are anything similar, I would love to hear about it. Please Post a comment and let me hear how you deal with your