It has been a while since my last blog entry. That is because life all of a sudden got real busy. Some good and some bad. Yet the reality is, it is all good in its own way.

I started school the first of September to earn a CAADAC certificate and possibly go on to get a master’s or Phd in psychology. I am sonly taking two classes this semester and I am happy I made that choice. I have not been in school since I graduated in 1975, really had no need or desire to. Partially what motivated me to go back to school is the economy. With a business I have built over the last twenty years seeing a major slow down and set back with the lack of funding for construction projects, I had to figure out what else I could do. At fifty three years young, there is not a lot of areas to start a new career in. One of my passions is working with other men in recovery, especially in the areas of sexual abuse. The fact that I have first hand knowledge of the effects of all forms of abuse. The fact that I have people in the healing industry and people in the program telling me I would be good at in the recovery field, it only seemed the right thing to do. All of this combined with the fact that I own my own a business and have the freedom to make my own schedule combined with the fact that it feels right, I put a game plan together and moved forward.

The choice of only taking two classes was a smart one. A month into school and it is a little more than I expected. The fact that at the same time I started school my business took off again with four jobs landing at once, has made it a bit overwhelming. I really enjoy the classes and participating in them. Participating in school was not my strong point as a teenager. I have already had two exams. One a got a 89 on and the other a 69. What I know is this and my test scores show it, you have to study. The class I got an 89 on my exam, I studied a lot for. In fact I spent three hours in the library right before the test studying. The class with the exam I got a 69, not by choice, I was not able to study for as much. Life just got in the way. With work picking up and me wearing three different hats in the office, my time got squeezed away from me. When I took the second exam, I told myself I would be happy with a “C” on it due to the lack of studying. Well I missed the “C” by one point and have accepted that. I am not all that happy about it, none the less I accept it. The difference today is, I have used these two test outcomes as examples. As with everything else I have learned in the program, you have to work for what you want in life. For some of us it is a bit harder than for others. What I have learned in the last four years is that the work is well worth it. There is a saying that is read in the preamble of an AA meeting, “Practice These Principles in all our Affairs!” If I apply this in the literal form to everything I do in life, the outcome has always been better than I would ever anticipate.

Two weeks ago I was on a fishing trip and lost my balance on the boat. When I regained my balance, I landed on my right leg and my foot rolled. In rolling to the outside my knee snapped and I knew it was not good. Well the MRI report proved me right. Basically my knee all but blew apart. The anterior crusiant ligament & the posterior ligament both tore clean in half. What was left of my meniscus was tore a part and I am bone to bone with my tibia and fibula. What’s all this mean? Total knee replacement, something I do not have time for, my life is to busy.

With looking at my class schedule and how I need to study more. With work getting busy and me being the only one running the business side of the business. With all the plans I had for this fall and winter with my family going to the desert riding and camping and the hunting trips I had planned with my son, I have no time for this injury and there is no putting this surgery off. I can hardly walk as it is. Believe me when I say I know it will all work out, as my life has always worked out for the good. I know that God has not brought me this far to just drop me on my head.

I have to say out loud to God, okay God, enough is enough. I do not get this one, especially after all that I have been through in the last five years physically, I do not get this one. What I know today is the fact that I am not being punished for anything. That in itself is major growth. I know that God never gives me more than I can handle, I just have to remember that. You see, right a way I slipped into the what if’s and how is this all going to work out now. How am I going juggle work and school when I am going to be pretty much confined to home for about a month. What about my lecture dates with the men at the Ranch at the end of the month. What about my visit to Father’s Heart Ranch the first of November to talk with t 6-12 year old boys about abuse. I have worked so hard to be with these men and boys, my passion. I know that I only did the foot work. God opened the doors and has given me the courage to walk through them. I must stay focused on, God Is or God is Not and for me he is!

So once again, I must give my fears to God and have faith that it is all going to be good. God would not walk with me and guide me the way he has to turn away from me when I need him the most. It is amazing how God is working with me and constantly testing my faith. That is the beauty about what is happening in my life today. I want to cry and scream, yet all I can do is laugh. There is a since of peace and calm inside me unlike I have ever had. What I have been doing is questioning this tranquility in my life, it is not like me. There for I know it is God working through me.

So for today, I will feel my feelings, talk with my mentors about what is going on in my life and continue to put one foot in front of the other. Suiting up and showing up is my only job. God is at the helm and I do not want the wheel back as I will drive head on into a concrete wall if I start driving again.

I have learned in the past couple of years not to question why, it is none of my business. When I do start that questioning process, it is my self will trying to take control of my life. When I wake up every morning, I turn my will and my life over to the care of God. In doing so I have stayed sober now for nearly five years and my life truly has never been better. I said “MY” life has never been better. That’s not to say I do not have my bad days and troubles, I do. Today however, I know everything about my life is in God hands and I have not been let down once by God.

Namaste - Randy

　

 


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