As I mentioned in my story, I lost my father when I was 12 years old. He was and always has been my hero. I love, respect and miss my father immensely. Several times through out my life I have wanted my father to be here with me, like when Cathy and married, when my children were born, when I would watch my children participate in baseball, soccer and dance.  I often would quietly cry wishing he were here to enjoy them, I know he would be proud of them as I am proud of them and as I know his father, my grandfather was proud of them. I often use to tell my stepfather when he was beating me, "If my father were alive he'd kill you", I know this only enraged Jack further.

Recently I received a two page letter from my mother and in it, among other belittling things, she said, "If your father were alive today, he would be so disappointed and hurt with you in the way you are treating me. That was a real hot dagger in the back. First of, my father is not here and if he were, who knows how my life would have turned out. For me, I am going to say it probably would have better. First off if my father were alive, I am confident none the abuse would have happened. Secondly, I wonder how my father was feeling when he was looking down from heaven at what my mother was allowing to happen to me and in fact instigating and participating in a lot of the abuse. To you mom who is a devote Born Again Christian, what do you truly believe he would be thinking now?

My father passed away 41 years ago this last January, yet I hurt and miss him as much today as I did when I was young boy. I grew up without the true love of a father, the true understanding and teachings of a father. I have essentially lived my life in
fear for the last 41 years, So many times I wanted my father to talk to, someone just to tell me how proud he is of me, someone to tell me that life is tough, but you'll be ok. Someone to bounce ideas off of, just for another insight, yet I had no one so I did the best I could and I will say that I turned out pretty good. Yes I have made some terrible decisions in life. My grandmother told me that my father told her on his death bed to tell the boys "Take good care of yourself and never put anything in your body that is bad for you or will harm you."  Well I did exactly what he told me not to do and because of that, I know that if he was watching from heaven, he had to of been asking God to help me, I know it was hard for him to watch, even standing next to God.

Well since I sobered up four and a half years ago, I know he is now looking down on me as very proud father, probably gloating around like I do about my children. In these last four and a half years, I have needed my father more than ever. I have sat and written  to him and talked  with him on several occasions and it does help. I do not know why it is I miss my father so much. I know there are probaly several of you that have had a father all your life and are wishing forthe same thing. 

Over the years I have had a couple of dreams that my father was in the room with me and for the most part they were all good. I say for the most past becase when I woke up the following morning I would feel real sad and be a bit depressed, wondering why untii realized it was because I had seen my father. Last week I had another dream about my father that was as real as the night is dark and it left me feeling really sad and mad. When I explained it to my therapist, she told me that I was really needing my father right now more than ever and she was right. Why now,  41 years later? I don't really have the answer, yet I believe it is because I was never really ever allowed to truly grieve and feel the pain over his loss as a child. The pain was so bad in my heart and with out a mother that knew how to let me walk through the pain and feel as I should have, I stuffed it  real deep inside of me. I will honestly say, that to this day I have never felt such pain in my life as I did then and I know I never wanted to feel it again, thats where drugs and alcohol helped, yet all they did was deceive me into thinking it was gone when in fact it had never fully come out. 

I remeber while in recovery one of the things I was to do was to write a grieve letter to my father. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, allow my self to feel the pain again and actually talk to my father. On several occasions I sobed and that pain came back, how I hated that pain. I remember the night I finished it. I was in the lounge of the IOP area of BFC. As I finished it I could feel this overwhelming pain come rising up and the tears were welling up. I would start to sob and then stop myself, I was good at stoping myself, only to start again. When I got up to go to small group it started again and this time I was unable to stop it. Literally for 30 minutes I sobed, I could not stop and really did not want to stop, it felt so good. The spiritual counselor walked outside and just sat next to me with his hand on my shoulder not saying a word, just letting me get it all out. I have cried several times since then.

Back to the dream. I was to see my father on a particular day, however he called me and told me because of his wife, he could not see me, however he sat up another meeting with me and it was to be at the firestation he worked at. You could imagine my excitment. Well I showed up and so did he, however he was not what I expected. He showed up in his street clothes, unshaven and long hair, which I have no problem with. The thing was he could not look at me. He kept on turning his head away and looking down at the ground, yet his eyes were super clear and he looked really shameful. He kept looking away saying how sorry he was, that he really had to get back to his wife. I remember how angry and disappointed I felt inside and how I wanted say something to him about how much he hurt me, yet couldn't, he is my father and I did not want to chance running him off. Here I am again all excited to see my father and he had something more important to do than to be there for me when I needed him the most. 

So what then did this represent? To me it is simple yet hurtful. In 1965, I was 10 years old, my mother, brother and myself had gone back to Indiana to visit some relatives. I remember how mean my cousins and uncle were to me. I was just 10 years old and at that time still frightened of horror films and the such. My mother would go out with my uncle and leave us with our cousins. They would pretty much force us to watch horror films and what made it worse were the terrible thunder storms that were going on. Then there was the worse night ever. We had gone to sleep and we were woken up by the thunder and lightning and my cousins had rigged the house up like a haunted masion, with cables going across the room that had white sheets hung from them  that looked like ghost. They would not let us turn on the lights and I remember how scared I was. I will admit it was a really good job and you have to remember this was in 1965 back in Gary, Indiana in the summer with those powerful thunderstorms inside a two story mid west house, it was a perfect setting. When my mother, aunt and uncle got home that night I remember going to them scared to death and crying only to have my uncle add to it by some of his statements, he was a cruel man as I remember. I wanted my dad and I wanted him now! 

I remember the day we got home and how excited I was to see my father, how I needed to see him and have him love me. I remember running around the house calling his name and looking for him. Where is he mom? Where is dad? He's not here. Where is he and when is he coming home? I don't know where he is and he is not coming home, he is moving out! 

So how does all this relate to the dream? Well, like when I was that kid coming home wanting, no needing to see his father and have him protect me, only not to be there. As when I was a kid and teenager having Jack beat the shit out of me, telling him if my father were here he would kill you, only not be there again. When I needed his protection and today once again I could really use my father. With what I am going through in life with this economy, with writing my book and starting my foundation, just needing those words of assurance, those few words of wisdom from a father, only to be disappointed again because he is not here for me. 

His wife. Was his wife my mother? Is that why he left back in 1965, because of her? Is that the answer to a question I have wondered about all my life? It was her that drove him out of the house, not me after all! What I know about my mother today, the angry person she is, if she was like that with my father I can understand why he would leave. Is that what the dream was telling me and my father standing before me in all his pain feeling the shame of a father leaving his children? Is that what this dream that left me so sad was all about? Is that why as angry as I was at him and as much as I wanted to tell him how much he was hurting me, I couldn't? It was his pain and shame he was showing me. He wanted to be there for us, yet it was better if he was not in the house. My father was still very much a part of my life up until the time he died. And how many times was he looking down on me when I was being abused by Jack and my mother wishing he could have been there to protect me. I Know what the love for a son feels like, I have two myself. 

There was always another question bugging me. Why did dad not tell me he was dying? Why was I lied to and told he was just sick? Well, I know first off back in those days they did not have the communication tools we have today. However this is the one that has really helped me a lot. Imagine what my father was going through. Lying in a hospital bed knowing he was going to die. What was he to tell his sons? How was he to tel his sons? How was he feeling about all of that? What I know today is my father did the best he knew how to with us. Those last two years of his life, he showed me love the best way he could and a lot of it was in the wilderness and the beach. His appreciation for life spoke volumns to me.

Yes I miss my father very much and I am sure there are many others just like me. The good news today is, I know he loved me and still does. I know he is looking down on me and is grinning from ear to ear at the man, father, husband and friend I have become today and I know if he were hear, he would be very proud of me. 

I will always miss my father and always desire to want to see him and be with him, who wouldn't ? I know some day I will. Until that day comes however, I will just have to sit quietly in meditation thinking  of him and knowing he is smiling down on me everyday.

Dad I miss you and love you, you are truly my hero. 

Love you - Randy

Namaste!