These are very powerful words. You either believe God is or he/she isn't, but there is no in between. If God is, then I am sitting here typing this blog and it is "exactly" what God wants me to be doing and I am exactly where God wants me in life. Complete abandonment to God, it was asked of me today what that felt like. A friend of mine with 27 years in the program told me he has never experienced complete abandonment to God in his 27 years in the program. All I can say is it must have beeb tough on him. What is Gods will for us? Well that question can be debatable. For me. I believe God wants everyman women and child to be happy, joyous and free in life and what ever your definition of that is for you, only you can determine. Are you truley happy with your life? I mean truly happy. Let's get real here, sit down and really examine yourself, the fiber of your being. Are you really and truly happy with your career choice? Or have you just become so comfortable with it that you are afraid of change? It has been good to you and your family so you are willing to sacrifice sleepless nights, anxiety and stress over someone else s business which in a matter of minutes, you can be let go and all your past hard work will be forgotten, all your hours of overtime, all the baseball and soccer games your children played in  that you missed, your childs first step, birthdays, all those sacrifices are forgotten, is all worth it now. For many of you the answer is probably yes and that's ok. I would venture to say that just as many of you if not more the answer is no, and for those people I ask, then why do it? Because it is what your parents wanted or thought would be the best thing for you? Is it because it is what society expects from you? What if for a moment you could imagine that you could be whatever you wanted in life, do whatever you wanted and be wherever you wanted to be in life? No strings attached, it is all your choice with no outside influences, no parents that have high for you to be a Doctor or Lawyer, so you feel obligated to pursue "their" dream for you as not to let them down.  What if?

So the fact is, I am where I am at today and my past has been real good to me. However, I feel like I am at a crossroads in life. The economy has all but put a halt to the construction industry and as I suit up and show up on a daily basis and do the next indicated step, I question if it is enough. The fact is that  I am doing everything I can. What happens is, I go away for the weekend, get rejuvenated, get a fire under my ass and come home with a game plan to set the world on fire. After all for years I was able to generate work with just a phone call. The reality is, that is not possible today and every time I turn into the current and start fighting it thinking this it will be different, when all the evidence is to the contrary, I start struggling. I fall into a deep dark hole of feeling like a failure and less than that is hard to get out of.

So back to God is or God isn't. What I know is, I am financially ok today and will be for a while although I worry about tomorrow, a tomorrow that will come, however it is uncertain I will be a part of. All my affairs are in order. I have made all my amends with those I have harmed and continue to keep my side of the street clean. My bills are paid and for the most part I am not over debted. God has given me a gift today, working with other men & boys that have been sexually abused. He has given the thought of a foundation to help these men and boys. He has put the people in my life that believe in me and support what I am doing. He has given the gift of writing a book and the gift of sobriety that is allowing to go back to school and study in the drug and alcohol counseling field and he has given me the financial means to do it all, with just enough work coming into the business to support Cathy and I and our lifestyle with only minor adjustments. So whats the big deal. If God is, and for me he is, then I am right where I am suppose to be doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing, yet why then do I question it so much. It comes back to worrying about what society thinks of me, after all that is what is suppose to matter the most, is it not. This behavior, this attitude is so ingrained me, I am killing myself fighting the change. To be honest with you, I am the most at peace, serene and comfortable when I am living under the principle that "God Is" without question. My ego gets in the way and sends me into shame spiral downward because I am not bringing in an income, or should I say the company is not and my wife is breaking her ass working to support me and my crazy life. Is she upset or resentful? No, she supports my every action, she knows I am not lazy and I am doing everything I can and more to get work through the business as well as seeing how I am helping other men and boys. She sees how loving and caring I am toward her. She sees how I help around the house. She sees how I am of service and help others when ever they need help. While all this service work is not generating income and I feel like I am just living in a fantasy life, I am reminded by my life and spiritual teacher that I am actually performing a lot of work, Writing my book, doing the foot work for the foundation, learning the classical guitar which is part of my recovery and going to school is all work for my future, I'm just not seeing the monetary compensation, yet it will come in time. Much the same as it was starting the masonry business. The difference is that I do have the financial means needed to do what I am doing and I will always be ok. I know God has not brought along this far in life, going through all I have been through to drop me on my head.  I just have to continue walking in faith and know that God has me and I am exactly where I am suppose to be doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing one day at a time.

Either God is or God isn't and for me he is, therefore I will continue to walk in faith and the light that is the love a God. I will leave with this excerpt from Melody Beattie's "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact."

 The hardest part about living passionately is that we may think it's wrong to follow our heart. "i should do what others expect me to do," we think. "That's what God wants me to do." Usually when we follow our heart, even when we're afraid it's wrong, it turns out to be exactly what we need to do.

What is your passion? Are you living it or are you living someone else s passion?

Namaste - Randy