A Friend and associate of mine recently founded a foundation much like Courageous Healers Foundation, the only difference is that theirs is for abused anilmals which I support a hundred percent, I my self am a big animal lover and have seen some of the dogs they get and have to rehabilitate and it sickens me, they are doing marvelous work.

Just the other day I was thinking about how sad it is that we, and I use the word we cautiously as it generalizes that everybody is included and that I do not know to be true. None the less, it occured to me the other day about how sad it is that most of us support foundations and causes to stop the abuse of animals yet most people will stand by and watch a child being abused or worse yet, if the child tells someone about it, they are more often than not ignored, told to be quite we do not want to hurt the family, it is part of growing up, just toughen up, etc.. etc,,, If we try to get the authrities involved, by the time anything happens, if it does, for the most part the child has clammed up and become to afraid to say anything more. Or as in a case I was a part of just recently, CPS will deem the case closed and nothing else is done, even with all the incriminating evidence, how sad this is. Yet if an animal is abused people do not hesitate to offer to lend a helping hand, no questions asked. The animal is rescued and given a second chance in life to grow up and be a happy and free aniamal or they are euthinized, at least they are given a fair chance and people will do whatever they can to save that animal..

I recently talked with my friend and associate about this topic and she was stunned at what she was hearing. The only answer she could come up with, and I understood it, was that animals do not have a voice. This is true, they don't. All they want to do is to love and be loved by us, yet because they are animals, people tend to harm them before they harm their children or spouse. There is no difference however, abuse is abuse and as sad it is to see an animal being abused, imgaine if it was not there, who would that person be abusing.

Ok, so animals do not have voices, what about a child? Do you think they are any different? If you said yes, think again, they do not have a voice. How do I know? I was one of those children and I know of countless others like me personally. Some of us lived in a house that from the ouside looked real good, everything "appeared" to be normal, yet behind the doors was a dark place. As a child we are vunerable to all types of emotions and feelings and very impressionable. In my case my father had just passed away and I needed a fathers love and a father figure in my life and when Jack came along and told me not to say anything, that we had a little secret, well I felt like cool, I am special to him and we have a sceret just between us. I was only twelve and I had no idea what he was doing was wrong. When he became violent and started beating me for punishment, I was told to keep quiet, I thought it was just a part of growing up and discipline, yet we were very involved in church and the Christian relegion, so there was a lot of confussion in my head. I truley thought that I was wothless, why was this happening to me, I felt all alone. In school I was filled with so much fear and shame and I had no direction. No matter how good I was, it was never good enough, I was still being beat and verbally abused. Back in the 70's when this was happening, it was all about submission and we were to listen and onlty talk when spoken to. The one time I did mention something to someone about Jacks violence the comment back to me was "No I dont think so, Jack is to nice of a guy to that" and when the minister of the church was told about the sexual abuse by my stepfather, and I believe he was not really told the whole truth, I was told it was just part of growing up and that I would not be gay. So you see, even though we have a voice as a human being, more often than not our voices as children are not heard or they are meaningless. Our parents and peers for the most part, I believe, just flat do not want to hear or look at the truth as it "REALLY IS" or have no idea how to deal with what the children are going through so they minimize it, much as their parents probably did to them and right on down the family line, learned behavior as they call it.

So why do people not want to get involved when they see or know that a child is being abused? One of the excuses I most often hear, and I will say this, it is sickening and sad to me, is they do not want to destroy the family, what is it going to do to the family structure. What about the child, what is going to do to him? The family structure is already broken and can only get worse if it remains a secret, and the child, well the child is in for a long, rough and devasting ride in life. The effects of  child abuse are far greater than you can ever imagine. By keeping it silent, everyone gets sicker and continues to suffer, yet if we are courageous enough to speak up, not only the whole family can work on healing, and yes there might be some legal consequences, more importanty, the child can start to heal at an early age and live a life of happiness and peace believing in himself and breaking the chain of abuse that has been handed down from generation to generation in his family.

I remember there was a point in my life where I asked my wife why God did  just not take me when I was laying on the ground bleeding to death, then and right then the answer came to me, "It was because he wanted me to break the chain of abuse that had been in my family for several generations before me." I can tell you today that message is true today. Had I had not gone through all I went thruogh in my life, I would not have the knowledge and wisdom to do what I am doing today.

So ask yourself, is a childs life worth more than an animals. Please do not be afraid to get involved. All it takes is phone call, let the authorities figure it.

If you are supporting any Foudations, shelters or cause for abused Animals, please continue to do so. Hoever,  I challenge you to put that same effort towards supporting foundations, shelters and causes to help abused children. Think about it, is a childs life not worth at least as much as an animals life? Please get involved, we can not do this alone, yet together we can do anything.

Namaste

Randy

As I mentioned in my story, I lost my father when I was 12 years old. He was and always has been my hero. I love, respect and miss my father immensely. Several times through out my life I have wanted my father to be here with me, like when Cathy and married, when my children were born, when I would watch my children participate in baseball, soccer and dance.  I often would quietly cry wishing he were here to enjoy them, I know he would be proud of them as I am proud of them and as I know his father, my grandfather was proud of them. I often use to tell my stepfather when he was beating me, "If my father were alive he'd kill you", I know this only enraged Jack further.

Recently I received a two page letter from my mother and in it, among other belittling things, she said, "If your father were alive today, he would be so disappointed and hurt with you in the way you are treating me. That was a real hot dagger in the back. First of, my father is not here and if he were, who knows how my life would have turned out. For me, I am going to say it probably would have better. First off if my father were alive, I am confident none the abuse would have happened. Secondly, I wonder how my father was feeling when he was looking down from heaven at what my mother was allowing to happen to me and in fact instigating and participating in a lot of the abuse. To you mom who is a devote Born Again Christian, what do you truly believe he would be thinking now?

My father passed away 41 years ago this last January, yet I hurt and miss him as much today as I did when I was young boy. I grew up without the true love of a father, the true understanding and teachings of a father. I have essentially lived my life in
fear for the last 41 years, So many times I wanted my father to talk to, someone just to tell me how proud he is of me, someone to tell me that life is tough, but you'll be ok. Someone to bounce ideas off of, just for another insight, yet I had no one so I did the best I could and I will say that I turned out pretty good. Yes I have made some terrible decisions in life. My grandmother told me that my father told her on his death bed to tell the boys "Take good care of yourself and never put anything in your body that is bad for you or will harm you."  Well I did exactly what he told me not to do and because of that, I know that if he was watching from heaven, he had to of been asking God to help me, I know it was hard for him to watch, even standing next to God.

Well since I sobered up four and a half years ago, I know he is now looking down on me as very proud father, probably gloating around like I do about my children. In these last four and a half years, I have needed my father more than ever. I have sat and written  to him and talked  with him on several occasions and it does help. I do not know why it is I miss my father so much. I know there are probaly several of you that have had a father all your life and are wishing forthe same thing. 

Over the years I have had a couple of dreams that my father was in the room with me and for the most part they were all good. I say for the most past becase when I woke up the following morning I would feel real sad and be a bit depressed, wondering why untii realized it was because I had seen my father. Last week I had another dream about my father that was as real as the night is dark and it left me feeling really sad and mad. When I explained it to my therapist, she told me that I was really needing my father right now more than ever and she was right. Why now,  41 years later? I don't really have the answer, yet I believe it is because I was never really ever allowed to truly grieve and feel the pain over his loss as a child. The pain was so bad in my heart and with out a mother that knew how to let me walk through the pain and feel as I should have, I stuffed it  real deep inside of me. I will honestly say, that to this day I have never felt such pain in my life as I did then and I know I never wanted to feel it again, thats where drugs and alcohol helped, yet all they did was deceive me into thinking it was gone when in fact it had never fully come out. 

I remeber while in recovery one of the things I was to do was to write a grieve letter to my father. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, allow my self to feel the pain again and actually talk to my father. On several occasions I sobed and that pain came back, how I hated that pain. I remember the night I finished it. I was in the lounge of the IOP area of BFC. As I finished it I could feel this overwhelming pain come rising up and the tears were welling up. I would start to sob and then stop myself, I was good at stoping myself, only to start again. When I got up to go to small group it started again and this time I was unable to stop it. Literally for 30 minutes I sobed, I could not stop and really did not want to stop, it felt so good. The spiritual counselor walked outside and just sat next to me with his hand on my shoulder not saying a word, just letting me get it all out. I have cried several times since then.

Back to the dream. I was to see my father on a particular day, however he called me and told me because of his wife, he could not see me, however he sat up another meeting with me and it was to be at the firestation he worked at. You could imagine my excitment. Well I showed up and so did he, however he was not what I expected. He showed up in his street clothes, unshaven and long hair, which I have no problem with. The thing was he could not look at me. He kept on turning his head away and looking down at the ground, yet his eyes were super clear and he looked really shameful. He kept looking away saying how sorry he was, that he really had to get back to his wife. I remember how angry and disappointed I felt inside and how I wanted say something to him about how much he hurt me, yet couldn't, he is my father and I did not want to chance running him off. Here I am again all excited to see my father and he had something more important to do than to be there for me when I needed him the most. 

So what then did this represent? To me it is simple yet hurtful. In 1965, I was 10 years old, my mother, brother and myself had gone back to Indiana to visit some relatives. I remember how mean my cousins and uncle were to me. I was just 10 years old and at that time still frightened of horror films and the such. My mother would go out with my uncle and leave us with our cousins. They would pretty much force us to watch horror films and what made it worse were the terrible thunder storms that were going on. Then there was the worse night ever. We had gone to sleep and we were woken up by the thunder and lightning and my cousins had rigged the house up like a haunted masion, with cables going across the room that had white sheets hung from them  that looked like ghost. They would not let us turn on the lights and I remember how scared I was. I will admit it was a really good job and you have to remember this was in 1965 back in Gary, Indiana in the summer with those powerful thunderstorms inside a two story mid west house, it was a perfect setting. When my mother, aunt and uncle got home that night I remember going to them scared to death and crying only to have my uncle add to it by some of his statements, he was a cruel man as I remember. I wanted my dad and I wanted him now! 

I remember the day we got home and how excited I was to see my father, how I needed to see him and have him love me. I remember running around the house calling his name and looking for him. Where is he mom? Where is dad? He's not here. Where is he and when is he coming home? I don't know where he is and he is not coming home, he is moving out! 

So how does all this relate to the dream? Well, like when I was that kid coming home wanting, no needing to see his father and have him protect me, only not to be there. As when I was a kid and teenager having Jack beat the shit out of me, telling him if my father were here he would kill you, only not be there again. When I needed his protection and today once again I could really use my father. With what I am going through in life with this economy, with writing my book and starting my foundation, just needing those words of assurance, those few words of wisdom from a father, only to be disappointed again because he is not here for me. 

His wife. Was his wife my mother? Is that why he left back in 1965, because of her? Is that the answer to a question I have wondered about all my life? It was her that drove him out of the house, not me after all! What I know about my mother today, the angry person she is, if she was like that with my father I can understand why he would leave. Is that what the dream was telling me and my father standing before me in all his pain feeling the shame of a father leaving his children? Is that what this dream that left me so sad was all about? Is that why as angry as I was at him and as much as I wanted to tell him how much he was hurting me, I couldn't? It was his pain and shame he was showing me. He wanted to be there for us, yet it was better if he was not in the house. My father was still very much a part of my life up until the time he died. And how many times was he looking down on me when I was being abused by Jack and my mother wishing he could have been there to protect me. I Know what the love for a son feels like, I have two myself. 

There was always another question bugging me. Why did dad not tell me he was dying? Why was I lied to and told he was just sick? Well, I know first off back in those days they did not have the communication tools we have today. However this is the one that has really helped me a lot. Imagine what my father was going through. Lying in a hospital bed knowing he was going to die. What was he to tell his sons? How was he to tel his sons? How was he feeling about all of that? What I know today is my father did the best he knew how to with us. Those last two years of his life, he showed me love the best way he could and a lot of it was in the wilderness and the beach. His appreciation for life spoke volumns to me.

Yes I miss my father very much and I am sure there are many others just like me. The good news today is, I know he loved me and still does. I know he is looking down on me and is grinning from ear to ear at the man, father, husband and friend I have become today and I know if he were hear, he would be very proud of me. 

I will always miss my father and always desire to want to see him and be with him, who wouldn't ? I know some day I will. Until that day comes however, I will just have to sit quietly in meditation thinking  of him and knowing he is smiling down on me everyday.

Dad I miss you and love you, you are truly my hero. 

Love you - Randy

Namaste!
 

Thanks for all your patience while I was writing my story. Like I have mentioned previously, I have told my story a lot over the years. However since I have sobered up and really been working on this part of my life, when I tell it today, it is with a new light a tell it. I no longer sink into this deep despair and poor me attitude while I am telling it. I share it today in hopes that someone else can hear it, see the courage I have and come forward with there story and begin there healing paths. While all of our stories are different and our paths have been different, as a friend I have recently acquired due to another website like this told me, pain is pain and while your story might not seem to be as bad as mine, it is still your pain and thats okay, pain is pain. I have heard much worse stories than mine, yet my pain is my pain, it is no more or no less than yours or any one eles's.

What has been tough about writing my story on this website is the fact that up until I started this website and foundation, I had never beeen able to talk about the acts the way I have here and in doing so, I recently spoke to a group of men at a recovery center and was able to tell them the acts. I only do this so they can see it is all right to talk about, you can walk through all the pain and shame one more time to heal from it. It is not easy but it can be done with the love and support of a therapist and other men, yes other men that have experienced the same things you have.

In the three secsions it took me to write this, I have had to reach out to one particular man in our healing group to talk with and help me feel akay about myself. Even tonight half way through the writing I had to call him. I had that voice in my head telling me "don't be ridiculous Randy" - no one wants to or will read this - they are all going to think I'm crazy.  Each time Jim reminds, that I am okay, I'm not crazy and people do need to both see and read this and not to loose my focus of why I am doing this. He reminds of the men I have already helped and the men that look up to me for direction. I am grateful for Jims little reminders, for to long I felt and thought that I had no voice and that what voice I had was not worthy of being heard and that why say anything, no one really cares anyway. Thank you Jim for your words of encouragement when I call you.

Before I close tonight, I want to give a special thanks to Scott Smith, the artist who designed and painted our cover picture. Scott has painted a whole series of wounded child pictures, one of which is on all the billboards for "It happens to Boys". I went to Scott and asked him if he would do me the honor of coming with a logo/painting for the foundation. When I saw is conceptual drawing it jumped right out at me and not only did Isee the healing process, I could feel it in my soul. Those that have seen the painting, either on my website or on our card have all told me how powerful it is and they get what it stands for right a way, rather thet were abused or not. I am honored not olny have had Scott paint this picture for me, I am honored to have him as one of those healing men on my journey that has helped me with my relationship with my wife. I will also say that I am honored to have Scott's first "RECOVERED CHILD" painting. You can see all of Scotts painting at the upcoming "Celebrating Healthy Families" event coming up October 2nd in Indian Wells, CA , as well as at the next "It Happens to Boys" conference March 4 & 5, 2011.

Namaste - Randy

 
Today I had the privilege along with Jim to go to "The Rancmh", a recovery center in Desert Hot Springs, CA to talk with the male patients about sexual abuse representing "It Happens to Boys" I have to say it is pretty amazing to watch the men start to get uneasy as you talk about it. There face turns to sadness, there feet and legs start going a hundred miles an hour, a sign of uneasiness. They start looking away from you with a look of despair or looking down at the floor. What I know is that I have been given an absolute gift. My greatest sorrow has become my greatest joy and I know that Jim feels the same way.

This was the first time I presented a  talk for It Happens to Boys without Carol and I am both blessed and honored that she trust me to present this sensitive matter to a group of men at a recovery center. Speaking to patients and speaking about sexual abuse to men is nothing new to me however. Like I said it is gift I have been given from God and if I were not sober, none of this would be happening. You see, my child hood abuse issues use to keep me wallowing in self pity and shame, for 38 years of my life I lived like that. Thinking that I was the only one to get dealt that deck of cards, no one else could possibly have had that happen to them, and it really is a small black hole I lived in. What I know today is that there are hundreds of thousands of men, one in six before the age of 18 have been sexually abused according to national statistics, so I am not alone, and if you are reading this and feel like you are the only one this has happened to, welcome home, your not alone and it was "NOT" your fault period.

For years I shared about my sexual abuse in a general way, saying I had been abused but not elaborating on the acts. No way was I going to share what was done to me. Believe me there are others that have had far worse done to them and that's there story. The shame I was carrying around was brutal and until I did my fifth step with another man in AA, I had not told anyone for fear of the pain and shame if I was laughed at about it and told it was nothing get over it. However, that did not happen, rather I was loved and understood. Oh believe me, I felt plenty of shame while I was going through it, I really did not not how much shame I was carrying around. Since doing my fifth step, it has gotten a lot easier to talk about the acts that were done, in fact I have to now as when the memory of an act hits me, the shame is overwhelming and a drink is a sure way to kill. I never want to drink again, so I now talk about the acts with someone I trust to get rid of the secret freeing me all the shame. Yes it is hard, however it is easier than the other option. When I first starting telling my story and talking about the acts that happened, for days or weeks after wards, I would be side ways. The shame would be eating at me and usually took several conversation with other men and my therapist to work through the issues. However today that is not true. I shared things at the Ranch with the male patients that I have "NEVER" shared with anyone other than my therapist and I did it without any psychic repercussions and for that I am grateful.

It is amazing to me how such brutal acts of abuse can turn into such a gift. I use to wonder all the time why God was picking on me, why me? I figured I was just dealt a bad deck of cards or I  just deserved it for some unknown reason. Well today I know neither of those are true. God had a plan for me all along and how am I suppose to help other men that have been abused if I do not know what it is like, how it makes you feel and how you act and feel about yourself unless I have been there, and I have definitely been there. for a lot of people the fact that I believe it was all a part of Gods plans for me, it is hard to swallow, they say God had nothing to do with it. Well for me I disagree, Either God is or God isn't and for me God is. If God is all knowing and loving, if God has our life all planed out for us as the bible teaches us, then I have always been exactly where I was suppose to be doing exactly what God wanted me to do. After all I am here today alive and well. A little battle scared, but it is all for a reason and a purpose. After all, I could not speak the "TRUTH"about the issues of abuse unless I have both experienced it and worked through it with therapist and spiritual adviser. The Big Book tells us that "The answers will come if our own house is in order", and for me, my house is in order and the answers do come and if they don't, I ask God for guidance and the wisdom to provide the right answer,even if it is "I don't know."  What I know is that God also gives us self will and my stepfather was acting on self will, not Gods will. For me, well I know that God was weeping for me and God did protect me to the extent that I was not beat to death, I did not become a murderer, rapist or child molester myself as so many that have been abused do.  I am and have been, even with my faults, a kind loving father, husband, friend  and a gentle and soothing soul to those that are lucky enough to know me.

I only hope that I can reach some of the men and boys that have been sexually abused as well as any other kind of abuse to help them to learn to love them selves as i have been taught to love and accept myself. This last visit to the Ranch was a good one for me especially due to the fact that I have had no psychic episode as I have had in the past.

So in closing I want to again thank Carol for believing and trusting in me and thank God for allowing me to be a channel of your love to men that are suffering as I once suffered. And I want to give a special thanks to Jim for taking the chance to trust me as I know how hard it is for you to trust. You have shown me a tremendous amount of courage and strength with what you have walked through the past several months. I value your friendship and admire your courage. Thanks for being in my life. 

Namaste - Randy

These are very powerful words. You either believe God is or he/she isn't, but there is no in between. If God is, then I am sitting here typing this blog and it is "exactly" what God wants me to be doing and I am exactly where God wants me in life. Complete abandonment to God, it was asked of me today what that felt like. A friend of mine with 27 years in the program told me he has never experienced complete abandonment to God in his 27 years in the program. All I can say is it must have beeb tough on him. What is Gods will for us? Well that question can be debatable. For me. I believe God wants everyman women and child to be happy, joyous and free in life and what ever your definition of that is for you, only you can determine. Are you truley happy with your life? I mean truly happy. Let's get real here, sit down and really examine yourself, the fiber of your being. Are you really and truly happy with your career choice? Or have you just become so comfortable with it that you are afraid of change? It has been good to you and your family so you are willing to sacrifice sleepless nights, anxiety and stress over someone else s business which in a matter of minutes, you can be let go and all your past hard work will be forgotten, all your hours of overtime, all the baseball and soccer games your children played in  that you missed, your childs first step, birthdays, all those sacrifices are forgotten, is all worth it now. For many of you the answer is probably yes and that's ok. I would venture to say that just as many of you if not more the answer is no, and for those people I ask, then why do it? Because it is what your parents wanted or thought would be the best thing for you? Is it because it is what society expects from you? What if for a moment you could imagine that you could be whatever you wanted in life, do whatever you wanted and be wherever you wanted to be in life? No strings attached, it is all your choice with no outside influences, no parents that have high for you to be a Doctor or Lawyer, so you feel obligated to pursue "their" dream for you as not to let them down.  What if?

So the fact is, I am where I am at today and my past has been real good to me. However, I feel like I am at a crossroads in life. The economy has all but put a halt to the construction industry and as I suit up and show up on a daily basis and do the next indicated step, I question if it is enough. The fact is that  I am doing everything I can. What happens is, I go away for the weekend, get rejuvenated, get a fire under my ass and come home with a game plan to set the world on fire. After all for years I was able to generate work with just a phone call. The reality is, that is not possible today and every time I turn into the current and start fighting it thinking this it will be different, when all the evidence is to the contrary, I start struggling. I fall into a deep dark hole of feeling like a failure and less than that is hard to get out of.

So back to God is or God isn't. What I know is, I am financially ok today and will be for a while although I worry about tomorrow, a tomorrow that will come, however it is uncertain I will be a part of. All my affairs are in order. I have made all my amends with those I have harmed and continue to keep my side of the street clean. My bills are paid and for the most part I am not over debted. God has given me a gift today, working with other men & boys that have been sexually abused. He has given the thought of a foundation to help these men and boys. He has put the people in my life that believe in me and support what I am doing. He has given the gift of writing a book and the gift of sobriety that is allowing to go back to school and study in the drug and alcohol counseling field and he has given me the financial means to do it all, with just enough work coming into the business to support Cathy and I and our lifestyle with only minor adjustments. So whats the big deal. If God is, and for me he is, then I am right where I am suppose to be doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing, yet why then do I question it so much. It comes back to worrying about what society thinks of me, after all that is what is suppose to matter the most, is it not. This behavior, this attitude is so ingrained me, I am killing myself fighting the change. To be honest with you, I am the most at peace, serene and comfortable when I am living under the principle that "God Is" without question. My ego gets in the way and sends me into shame spiral downward because I am not bringing in an income, or should I say the company is not and my wife is breaking her ass working to support me and my crazy life. Is she upset or resentful? No, she supports my every action, she knows I am not lazy and I am doing everything I can and more to get work through the business as well as seeing how I am helping other men and boys. She sees how loving and caring I am toward her. She sees how I help around the house. She sees how I am of service and help others when ever they need help. While all this service work is not generating income and I feel like I am just living in a fantasy life, I am reminded by my life and spiritual teacher that I am actually performing a lot of work, Writing my book, doing the foot work for the foundation, learning the classical guitar which is part of my recovery and going to school is all work for my future, I'm just not seeing the monetary compensation, yet it will come in time. Much the same as it was starting the masonry business. The difference is that I do have the financial means needed to do what I am doing and I will always be ok. I know God has not brought along this far in life, going through all I have been through to drop me on my head.  I just have to continue walking in faith and know that God has me and I am exactly where I am suppose to be doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing one day at a time.

Either God is or God isn't and for me he is, therefore I will continue to walk in faith and the light that is the love a God. I will leave with this excerpt from Melody Beattie's "52 Weeks of Conscious Contact."

 The hardest part about living passionately is that we may think it's wrong to follow our heart. "i should do what others expect me to do," we think. "That's what God wants me to do." Usually when we follow our heart, even when we're afraid it's wrong, it turns out to be exactly what we need to do.

What is your passion? Are you living it or are you living someone else s passion?

Namaste - Randy